Sick and on the Font Line

Today I decided to do political phone banking for the first time using Labour's dialogue app. There are a number of reasons for this, starting in the post-crash world of 2009 and coming right up to the present day. To understand why I want a change in government, it's important to understand me, right down to the personal. So here goes...

2008

• The economic crash happened.

2009

• I left university with a first class BSc honours degree and a professional job.
• My boss warned us all that if the Conservatives took power, we'd lose work and they'd be redundancies.

2010

• The Condem coalition took office.
• My work goals were to be promoted to a senior position within 2 years.
• I fell pregnant with my first child.
• My husband was made redundant twice, first from a social housing provider trying to save money, then from a small builder and renewable energy company.
• The Condems cut funding to building schools and hospitals which I was working on.

2011

• Our mortgage went into arrears. A man from the Halifax turned up on the door when I was 36 weeks pregnant and we had to sort out an arrangement.
• The day I gave birth, I was made redundant.

2012

• I became self employed because there were few jobs available. I made a loss but tax credits at least meant the mortgage was paid ever month.
• I saw a therapist for post-natal and general depression. The sessions ran out before the problem was resolved as a maximum of 12 sessions are offered at any time. Often only 6 are offered.
• My business won a customer service award.
• I gave birth to our second child. I took a week off afterwards solely because it was Christmas. I was back working on my business the following week with no option for maternity leave, pay, or allowance.

2013

•  I had continuing untreated mental health issues.
• I suffered gall stones which caused gall bladder attacks which required hospitalisation due to the severity of the pain which was worse than giving birth. I needed morphine.
• In between attacks, when I wasn't on morphine, I did business work from my smart phone from my hospital bed because I couldn't afford to stop working without sick pay.
• My business got to the finals of several customer service awards.

2014

• I finally started turning a profit, although only just, and rented a business premises.
• I had ongoing mental health problems, not helped by low income.
• My business got to the finals of a customer service award.

2015

• I finally got a new job and closed my business.
• My father was diagnosed with cancer. NHS waiting times for diagnosis were so long he went to go private to get a diagnosis, although he couldn't afford private treatment.

2016

• My dad went into hospital but expected to come home again. He didn't. Instead he ended up on a palliative care ward, desperate to come home but unable to do so as there wasn't the resources available.
• I finally went on antidepressants and started seeing a counsellor.
• 4 years earlier than expected, my dad entered the last days of his life, still on a palliative care ward with no drip to keep him hydrated, unable to swallow, and with family required to moisten his lips with a sponge to give him some relief when he begged for water.
• Dad died alone in a private room, early in the morning, during the brief period a nurse went to get him some pain relief as he after he groaned in pain.
• A month later, I attempted suicide.
• I was referred to the Community Mental Health Team and put on a waiting list.
• My counsellor decided he couldn't help me and I needed more intensive help.
• I applied for PIP and the stress of the process and mistakes made by ATOS staff led to crisis and worsening suicidal intention.
• I ended up on the Crisis Teams caseload.
• I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, social phobia, agoraphobia, avoidant personality traits, and borderline personality disorder, with problems stemming from both past trauma and poverty.
• I lost my job due to long term ill health because I couldn't tell my employer when I'd return or even when I'd be treated due to NHS waiting lists.
• I was transferred to the Step Up Team.

2017

• I saw a psychiatrist who referred me to psychotherapy and added extra medication, he also wanted to see me in 3 months.
• The Step Up Team stopped seeing me because I wasn't improving. I was left to wait on therapy.
• My 3 month psychiatrist review never happened as the doctor left the trust. Now a nurse phones every four weeks to see if I want to remain on the waiting list. I can't remember when they last phoned.
• I am still waiting for therapy.
• I can count the number of times I've left my house in the last year on my fingers.
• I'm in debt because I can't afford the bills. I'm too afraid of repeating my PIP experience to apply for ESA. Without free school meals, we won't be able to give our kids more than breakfast and one other meal.
• I'm still suicidal but I have no idea when I'll get treatment .
• The thought 'hang on long enough to vote' keeps playing in my mind, as if I will have a decision to make in June; find hope under Corbyn or die under a Conservative government.
• That is my reality and the reality on many sick, disabled, and out of work people.

That's why I'm voting Labour and it's also why I decided to use Dialogue to help the Labour Party, despite often having panic attacks when answering the phone. Labour rely on the support and help of the public, so I decided to phone bank because this election is so important for both myself and the future of my children. I forced myself to do it. 

Unfortunately, I only managed an hour, making around thirty calls and logging around fourteen replies. During that time, most people didn't answer. Some hung up as soon as they heard what I was calling about, but several were polite and friendly. More we friendly than openly hostile. One was misinformed but wouldn't let me finish a sentence. One only heard the words 'Labour Party' when I introduced myself before going into a tirade about Labour. She shouted and cursed as if I were the reason for all her woes then hung up without letting me get a word in. That triggered an anxiety spiral which led me to end today's session.

Cursing at strangers is not OK, alright people?

Now the suicidal ideation is whispering again. I'm at home alone right now. I genuinely afraid that the Conservatives will get back in and there'll be no hope for another five years. I want to see my kids grow up, but my untreated mental illness whispers that I'm a terrible person and everyone would be better off with out me, meanwhile everything I said while phone banking spins around and around in my head. My mind insists I made things worse, turning away voters, rather than helping. Logically I know that isn't true. I used the script. I was polite and friendly. But still the anxiety whispers. 

That anxiety and self loathing has almost proved fatal before now and I should probably phone crisis, but they'll only come out hours from now, once I've calmed down, that's if I'm lucky. They'll decide I'm not an immediate risk and nothing will change. I won't move up the waiting list. I won't receive treatment. It'll remain the same until the voice which whispers that there's only one way to change things overpowers me again. Next time it might mean a trip to the morgue rather than a ride in an ambulance.

It'll never get better. Not under this government.

So tomorrow I'll try to phone bank again because this election is so very important, even if the process makes my illness worse. Why? Because unless Corbyn's Labour win, I won't get better. I might not even get the therapy I so need.  But Labour need as much support as they can get, strong support from people who are more capable than me.

If I can fight past my illness to help Labour, even just an hour a day, so can others. For the sake of the sick and disabled, for children and the elderly, and for those in poverty, please help in any way you can. 

Carmine Raven